December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
You know what I think I let go of? The need to be the person that people expect me to be. This year, I let go of their path for me, and embraced my path for me. See, everyone was telling me I had to do it a certain way. I had to finish school first. I couldn’t get married at 20. I couldn’t wear flats and go all natural at my wedding. Well, at some point I just said screw it, your suggestions are dumb and I need to make my own path and my own way. I’m not your average 20 year old and I let go of the idea that I needed to be your average 20 year old. I embraced the idea that I could be the 20 year old I’m meant to be. When did we start letting one number effect who we are as a person so much? I’m letting go of that number and just living.
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December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
I think I cultivated wonder in two ways. One, by living in the moment. It is much easier to have wonder when you’re not constantly comparing to the past or worrying about the future. The other is in taking the bus. I know it sounds weird, but I have so much time to do nothing except observe so I think that I am much more likely to be amazed since I can’t really do anything else. Sometimes I hate getting motion sick, other times I love it.
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December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors)
I see this moment as one of my last nights in Korea at the karaoke (noraybahn). I’m surrounded by friends – most importantly my best friend Nara. The song “I Gotta Feeling” comes on which is our favorite. It’s dark, but I can still see everyone clearly. We manage to get everyone up on their feet and dance as we take the mics and sing the song, loudly, proudly and probably a little bit out of tune. I loved it.
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
I’m going to play devil’s advocate and say that everything does. Every moment, every interaction, every observation is a chance for a story or a poem. However, despite that, I know that I often get lazy and don’t write. But I think we should look at everything with the potential to contribute to our writing.
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December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
That’s my one word. It’s because I feel God’s presence throughout this all, blessing me in huge ways. My upcoming marriage (at the end of this month), great friends, an apartment to live in, the means to provide for myself, brains, the opportunity to go to Korea. I just feel so blessed the majority of the time. Yes, I have some down moments, but the majority of the time I feel blessed.
I want the word that captures next year to be accomplished. If everything goes right, I will be graduating, I will have designed my own course, I am applying for a prestigious award (which I’ll hopefully get), and in my personal life, I’ll be enjoying the first year of marriage with Nick. The good or the bad – next year, I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something and changed who I am for the better.
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Posted September 17, 2010on:
I know I haven’t blogged here – or anywhere – for a while. That’s because I’ve been preoccupied and busy with life and other things, like planning a wedding and school and such. I have another blog right now, which I love dearly, that’s being sorely neglected. I feel lazy and horrible, like there was my chance to change the world and I’m letting it pass me by? Why? Because of want of time for myself.
I feel really like I’m complaining a lot in this post. I have so much – so much that other people don’t have. And some people are even jealous of me, I know, but I can’t help it. I get so worn out every single day.
I can’t find a second job. I suspect this is because my availability sucks. I expect my availability sucks because it takes me so long to get everywhere.
This problem would be simple to remedy – if I could afford a car. I keep hoping that I’ll magically be able to afford one. Even the cheapest of cars, the one my friend is selling for 1500 I can’t afford. And don’t think it’s because I’m spending thousands of dollars on my wedding. So far, I have spent very little money on my wedding. We’re doing as much as we possibly can ourselves.
Somedays I get home, I just feel like crying. Like today. My feet ache. I don’t feel strong enough to walk or bike to school every day, but taking the bus when it’s still nice out and I’m still capable of exerting myself physically feels like a waste of money at 1.75 for ten minutes. But I don’t know how much more my body can take.
I’m physically exhausted. I keep thinking my body will get used to it, but I’m what – 4 weeks into the school year now and I still ache every day? I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe my mom is right, maybe I should just get a credit card. But I don’t want to throw away my beliefs just because life is hard.
And really, even in complaining about this I feel guilty. I was the one who made the choice to live off campus – why? To make myself happier. And to be completely honest, there is nothing wrong with my life, except that I am wearing myself out physically every single day. And that really gets to me after a while. I come home, and depending on if I walked or biked, it can take me up to an hour to get home, and then I’m so exhausted when I do get home, that I can’t even begin to focus on my homework. That in turn has me staying up late or getting up early to be able to finish it. This has me even more tired, which makes the journey too and from school harder. It’s just this vicious never ending cycle that I feel guilty for even complaining about.
Sometimes I feel scared, worried I’m going to be attacked when I’m walking home from the bus stop late at night. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m going to be hit by a car. Sometimes I almost bash my head into the sidewalk, like today when I slipped because the sidewalk was dusty which made it slippery (I was not expecting that) because of construction.
And I feel guilty even complaining because I know that God has poured out so many blessings on my life, but this discourages me. It is a huge source of discouragement for me almost every day but I try to hide it. I don’t want to seem whiny or anything like that, but I was crying about it today and I had to get it out somewhere.
Thanks for listening to me rant about my life which doesn’t actually suck, but just discourages me a lot,