College in a Suitcase

Do You Know What It’s Like?

Posted on: May 2, 2010

I’m blogging about this because I need an outlet. I know I’ve been unfaithful at blogging, but I’ve been going through a lot. And I apologize for only being able to talk about this in vague terms but I can only tell so much before it’s ready to become public knowledge.

I’m in the process of making a really big decision – a decision that at this point is already made in my mind and is now only awaiting the green light from others. And every time I think we have checked the last detail, crossed the last t, we find out there is more to be done. It’s so frustrating.

And I feel like I’m going through it alone. No, I know I’m not going through it alone – I have a wonderful, wonderful fiancee who is going through this with me, but I’m not going to lie, him being far away takes its toll on me. I’d like to say that it doesn’t, but it’s hard when half of you is in a different place. All the tears shed you shed alone. All the anxious moments you go alone. And yes, you know they are there on the other end, but it’s not as good as a real human touch, as a hug would be.

And I really hate to complain about this but it has been so tough lately. To recap, I am in the process of making this major life decision, while also making other major life decisions. Last week I quit two of my jobs. And I decided I’m moving out of the residence hall. It is overwhelmingly scary at points. What if I can’t find a job? What if I fail at living on my own? What if I drop out of school because I’m too lazy to take the bus or bike to school? There are so many what ifs I’m struggling with. And these are only the ones that are public, only the ones I can tell you about.

In short, I don’t know why I’m writing this blog post. I know that life is hard and life isn’t fair and I never expect it to be. Sometimes though, it just overwhelms you, it just feels like too much.

I’m burnt out at 19. I’m balancing multiple jobs, 18 credits, a long distance relationship and I care too much about people. I’m so burnt out right now and yet I push on. Because this isn’t about me; this is about me living out other people’s dreams for me. Yes, I’m gifted, yes I’m smart, yes I’m excelling in college – but is it where I want to be? Not necessarily – it is my dad’s dream for me, not my dream for me and I’m really struggling with that right now.

I can’t drop out because I know it’s good for me in the long run, but it’s so hard. I just want to move onto the dreams I want for myself. I was born in the wrong era, in the wrong time, where women are expected to do everything and be everything.

And I can’t, I’m sorry.

I should go now before this just gets rambling. I’m already crying and I’ve a four page paper to finish for tomorrow.

Miss Lissy

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2 Responses to "Do You Know What It’s Like?"

*BIG HUG*
Oh, dearie, I don’t know what to say but I just want to let you know I’m praying for you. God has a plan for your life and it’s for the best, even if it doesn’t feel like it. All of this, all you’re going through is going to be worth it. Maybe you won’t ever know why it’s worth it. Maybe you will. But God will take good out of all this. I’m here for you, love. ❤ ❤ ❤

Thank you so much Miranda – your words of encouragement really help. 🙂

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