College in a Suitcase

I know I haven’t blogged here – or anywhere – for a while. That’s because I’ve been preoccupied and busy with life and other things, like planning a wedding and school and such. I have another blog right now, which I love dearly, that’s being sorely neglected. I feel lazy and horrible, like there was my chance to change the world and I’m letting it pass me by? Why? Because of want of time for myself.

I feel really like I’m complaining a lot in this post. I have so much – so much that other people don’t have. And some people are even jealous of me, I know, but I can’t help it. I get so worn out every single day.

I can’t find a second job. I suspect this is because my availability sucks. I expect my availability sucks because it takes me so long to get everywhere.

This problem would be simple to remedy – if I could afford a car. I keep hoping that I’ll magically be able to afford one. Even the cheapest of cars, the one my friend is selling for 1500 I can’t afford. And don’t think it’s because I’m spending thousands of dollars on my wedding. So far, I have spent very little money on my wedding. We’re doing as much as we possibly can ourselves.

Somedays I get home, I just feel like crying. Like today. My feet ache. I don’t feel strong enough to walk or bike to school every day, but taking the bus when it’s still nice out and I’m still capable of exerting myself physically feels like a waste of money at 1.75 for ten minutes. But I don’t know how much more my body can take.

I’m physically exhausted. I keep thinking my body will get used to it, but I’m what – 4 weeks into the school year now and I still ache every day? I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe my mom is right, maybe I should just get a credit card. But I don’t want to throw away my beliefs just because life is hard.

And really, even in complaining about this I feel guilty. I was the one who made the choice to live off campus – why? To make myself happier. And to be completely honest, there is nothing wrong with my life, except that I am wearing myself out physically every single day. And that really gets to me after a while. I come home, and depending on if I walked or biked, it can take me up to an hour to get home, and then I’m so exhausted when I do get home, that I can’t even begin to focus on my homework. That in turn has me staying up late or getting up early to be able to finish it. This has me even more tired, which makes the journey too and from school harder. It’s just this vicious never ending cycle that I feel guilty for even complaining about.

Sometimes I feel scared, worried I’m going to be attacked when I’m walking home from the bus stop late at night. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m going to be hit by a car. Sometimes I almost bash my head into the sidewalk, like today when I slipped because the sidewalk was dusty which made it slippery (I was not expecting that) because of construction.

And I feel guilty even complaining because I know that God has poured out so many blessings on my life, but this discourages me. It is a huge source of discouragement for me almost every day but I try to hide it. I don’t want to seem whiny or anything like that, but I was crying about it today and I had to get it out somewhere.

Thanks for listening to me rant about my life which doesn’t actually suck, but just discourages me a lot,
Miss Lissy


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: